I’ve never met Pauly Shore, but that didn’t stop my ex-husband from accusing me of having an affair with him.

About five years ago, a friend wrote to me to tell me that Pauly Shore needed my help. The Weasel was looking for an assistant, and he felt like we’d be a good comedy match. I didn’t know much about Pauly Shore and had never really thought about him at all, nor did I have any assistant experience. But I didn’t let that stop me from applying. I did not get the job, and I thought that would be the end of it. Little did I know, instead, it would be the beginning of a couple of years of being tormented about my secret affair with the Weasel.

During that time, I became an expert on all things Pauly Shore. I wrote a book about what happened, and I also wrote an erotic short story about it. The Weez went from being a stranger I knew nothing about to a stranger I knew way too much about, thanks to my abusive ex-husband and his jealous delusions.

If your abusive partner is or was accusing you of affairs when there was no reason to do so, you’re probably wondering if he was mentally ill and to what extent that caused the situation. You may be wondering if there is something you can do to help him while you’re jumping through hoops to prove your devotion. I’m here to tell you why none of that matters.

What Are Delusions of Jealousy?

Jealous delusions are a type of delusional belief pattern in which a person becomes convinced that their romantic partner is cheating on them, despite having little or no evidence to support this belief.

Jealous delusions are characterized by:

• Persistent, unfounded suspicions of infidelity
• Misinterpretation of innocent events as “proof” of cheating
• Excessive monitoring of your activities and communications
• Constant accusations and repeated questioning
• The refusal to accept reasonable explanations

Everyone gets jealous sometimes, and jealousy in certain situations is normal. For example, it would be normal to be jealous if you were my man and Pauly Shore kept sliding into my DMs talking about how he was really into old lady melons. But unlike regular jealousy, which responds to reassurance and evidence, delusional jealousy persists despite contradictory evidence, and it can severely impact the delusional party’s relationships and daily functioning. Delusions of jealousy can occur in a variety of psychiatric conditions, including delusional disorder (jealous type), schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and Othello syndrome. Jealous delusions can also be triggered or exacerbated by substance abuse, particularly alcohol, cocaine, or amphetamines. It was a combination of typical bullshit abuser manipulations, untreated bipolar disorder, and late-stage alcoholism that brought Pauly Shore into my life.

Jealous Delusions: What Partners Experience

There are a number of deeply unpleasant experiences the partner of someone with delusions of jealousy may have. I’ve experienced everything in the following list. If your partner is having jealous delusions, you may be experiencing these things, too.

Someone whose partner is having jealous delusions can expect:

• Constant scrutiny and suspicion
• Regular accusations of infidelity with little or no provocation
• Having your phone, email, and social media accounts checked frequently
• Being questioned about your whereabouts, activities, and interactions
• Facing interrogation about innocent conversations or interactions

If this is happening to you, you may feel like you’re constantly on edge and walking on eggshells, never knowing what the next thing will be that will set him off and have him accusing you again. You may feel guilty, even though you didn’t do anything wrong. You may be emotionally exhausted from endlessly defending yourself. You may also feel isolated if your social interactions have been restricted by your partner. 

One of the biggest emotions I felt was humiliation. My ex used to make me regularly hand over my laptop for surprise inspections, and he did it in front of a witness once so she could see my whoredom unmasked in real-time. He was also spying on my online activity the whole time and was well-aware that I wasn’t having any affairs.

If all of your normal activities are treated with suspicion, he is constantly texting and monitoring you, and you feel like you’re being forced to choose between his mental health and your own wellbeing, the problem could be jealous delusions. Or he could just be an asshole. How can you tell the difference?

Jealous Delusions vs. Weaponized Jealousy: Understanding the Difference

Not every false cheating accusation is a jealous delusion. Sometimes, he’s not delusional at all and knows fully well what he is doing. In the case of my ex, he was both an abuser who knew what he was doing and suffering from delusions of jealousy. His abusive behavior and accusations predated his mental illness by many years. 

Jealous delusions are a psychiatric symptom, and they are not the same thing as weaponized jealousy, which is a common tactic abusers use. However, the two are not mutually exclusive. 

The abuse was a deliberate choice my ex made time and again. The mental illness and delusions were a more recent development. Before the mental health diagnosis, he accused me of banging people we knew, whether in real life or only on social media. However, once the delusions started, he cast a wider net to include a celebrity among my many, many secret lovers. So the abusive behavior wasn’t because of the delusions, but it’s the reason the delusions went in the direction they did. 

People with jealous delusions need medical intervention. Abusers weaponizing jealousy is a deliberate manipulation tactic. Weaponized jealousy may be used as an excuse to isolate you from family and friends, create constant drama, and keep you off-balance, whereas jealous delusions may not have these motives. But in the end, is it important why he’s doing it? Is it your job to fix it? Could you even if you wanted to? I spent years trying, and I wish I could have that time back and all of the money that was lost to it.

Why Abusive Men Use Jealousy as a Weapon

At the end of my book Leave Him in 12 Easy Years, I interviewed my ex about his experience of being abusive. During the interview, I asked him about Pauly Shore. He claimed he always knew I was not doing the Weasel and just made the whole thing up. But I’m not certain of that, and I don’t know how he could be, either. He was also having other delusions and hallucinations then, and he admittedly could not remember a lot of what he did because he was drunk. There’s no way to pick it all apart.

Abusive men may feel so insecure that they need the ego-stroke of having you constantly forced to prove your loyalty. They need to know that you’re not going to cheat on you because you are too busy trying to prove that you’re not cheating. They can control everything you do so they will feel less insecure if they can convince you that you need to be monitored and have your devices checked and to be in contact with them at all times because you can’t be trusted. They may also be getting away with infidelity right under your nose by keeping you focused on proving your own innocence. 

Being accused of infidelity can also be mistaken for intense love and devotion. He may tell you that he loves you so deeply that he can’t help but be jealous. The common social romanticization of jealousy may also mask a dangerous situation as dramatic and passionate. The motive behind the jealousy may be a grand show of devotion that is meant to make it easier for him to control you in plain sight.

What to Do If You’re Being Accused: Can He Be Helped?

Whether or not your accuser can be helped or not depends on what his motives are, what his mental health diagnosis is, and whether or not he’s willing to follow treatment protocol. My ex won’t stay sober or take his meds, so whether or not he could be helped is irrelevant. The point is that he won’t be helped. And treatment for jealous delusions may or may not work. The success rates for treatment are mixed. Relapse is common. Even if it does work, it’ll take a long time. Do you really have that much time to throw away on this?If the root of the accusations is control and not mental illness, it is not recommended to seek therapy with an abuser because they are likely to use information they gain about you in therapy for future abuse. Going to therapy alone is always a good idea though. Another totally valid solution to the problem of either jealous delusions or weaponized jealousy is to dump him. That’s what I did.

It’s Not Your Responsibility to Fix Him

By the end of our marriage, I was exhausted from dealing with the fallout from my ex’s manic episodes and from cleaning up the literal and financial messes. He’d been hospitalized a couple of times but refused follow-up treatments. I no longer knew what he could control and what he could not, but more importantly, I no longer cared. 

If your abuser is also your accuser, it’s not your responsibility to fix him so it will stop. You might not be able to help him, and he might refuse, anyway. Unless you are a psychiatrist, this is way above your pay grade. There’s no way you’re going to be able to sort out what he can or can’t help or really do anything about it at all. Having lived through this myself, if it’s happening to you right now, the best advice I can give you is to run. 

No matter the reason he’s doing it, he’s going to destroy your mental health and also possibly your physical health. That’ll continue long after he’s gone.