I used to try to imagine what went on in my ex-husband’s head as he went about his day around the house. Why did he use all but one ice cube out of every tray and then leave it that way? Who picks up a salsa making hobby without also acquiring a cleaning up after making salsa hobby? What kind of a monster hangs half of their coat hangers backward? I have so many questions, but perhaps the biggest head-scratcher of them all is why I resigned myself to it or signed-on for that in the first place. I knew he was domestically helpless before I married him.

In one of my books, I described an incident that took place more than 20 years ago, back when my ex-husband and I were roommates. There was a foul odor in our apartment. I sniffed the trail to his room. He wasn’t home, so I went in, sat on his bed, and tried to figure out what it was. That was when I realized the stench was coming from the bed, which I was now sticking to. I questioned him about it, only to learn that he had no idea sheets had to be washed at all, ever. He was in his early thirties and had never washed bedding in his life. How could this happen? It happened because up until that point in his life, women had washed the bedding for him. He’d simply never had to think about it, because when it came to housework, women had done all of his thinking for him.

Keeping a home clean involves more than cleaning; it involves thinking about cleaning in the first place. Women’s emotional labor is often invisible when it comes to keeping a house going, but a lot of households wouldn’t be running without it. The one-sided mental and organizational burden of managing domestic life is exhausting, but women often feel like they have no choice but to absorb this labor or it won’t be done at all. And trying to get a male partner to pitch in and do their fair share may make it feel even more exhausting.

The Case Against Chore Lists

My fiance is sweet and eager to help around the house, but he absolutely never does so unless prompted. He says he prefers to use a chore list to divide up the chores. But honestly, the thought of making a chore list feels like another chore. Telling someone they are in charge of the dishes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays means then having to follow-up on whether he did it. It means I’ll have to have some kind of talk with him if he doesn’t. 

I don’t want to make and enforce a chore list. Instead, I want to exist in a world where men are capable of cleaning without being prompted to do so. To use their own eyes to see that there is something in front of them that needs to be cleaned and then do it, just as I have done for decades of my life. Some men do this naturally on their own, of course. But if your man doesn’t, this article is for you.

Compared to other issues, housework and the accompanying emotional labor that goes along with it feels like a trivial complaint. But it’s not. When you live with a man who weaponizes incompetence, the soul-sucking, half-assing of everything will drain you. If you don’t want to let housework-related resentment come between you and your partner, the sooner you take a stand against the idea that he can’t clean as well as you do, the better it will be for everyone.

The Invisible Burden of “Man Cleaning”

I admit I am the one who started referring to the act of cleaning while not actually cleaning anything at all as “man cleaning.” But when I came home from a 10.5-hour graveyard shift and my fiance stood, proud and beaming, in the filthy kitchen I was about to have to re-clean and informed me he had “man cleaned,” I demanded the words never be uttered in our home again. 

You aren’t imagining that you’re doing all the work: it’s been proven by science. Research has shown that women consistently handle a larger share of household mental load tasks, like planning meals, scheduling appointments, and organizing activities. One 2024 study found that others take on 71% of these tasks, which is 60% more than fathers. Even if you don’t have kids, you might end up feeling like you do have a child – a large one who will never grow up to do dishes independently. So if it seems like you’re running the show mostly alone, there’s a good chance it’s because you are. 

Across different age groups and even when women work full-time, they spend significantly more hours on housework and childcare than men. Here’s what the study found:

• Women aged 18-24 spend about twice as much time on household work as men their age (8 hours vs. 3.8 hours per week). 
• On average, women spend 12.6 hours per week on cooking, cleaning, and other household work, compared to 5.7 hours for men. 
• This disparity continues into mid-life and even when there are no children in the home. 

This unequal division of unpaid labor isn’t just about fairness; it has real economic and social consequences. It contributes to the “motherhood penalty” and means women have less free time and fewer opportunities for career advancement. It can even impact your financial security in the long run. 

Weaponized Incompetence Explained

Weaponized incompetence is when someone pretends to be bad at a task or deliberately performs it poorly so they won’t have to do it again in the future. It’s a way to shift responsibility onto someone else by making them think you’re incapable. In the interest of full disclosure. I will admit that I have engaged in weaponized incompetence before. I pretended that my sister’s sandwiches were better than mine so she would make me sandwiches. But in my defense, I was 16 and grew out of it. 

In the context of adult men who pretend not to know how to do housework, why do they do it? The motives behind it usually boil down to a few things:

• Avoiding responsibility: The most common reason is simply to get out of doing work they don’t want to do. He’s hoping if he messes it up once, he might not be asked to do it again.
• Laziness: It’s often easier in the short term for him to feign ignorance or inability than it would be to put in the effort to learn or do something properly. 
• Power dynamics: Sometimes it’s a subtle way to maintain control or a certain dynamic in a relationship, where one person is seen as the “capable” one and the other as needing to be managed.
• Lack of desire to contribute: They might genuinely not care about the task or the outcome, so they don’t put in the effort, knowing someone else will step in.

When I came home to a few dishes washed and every inch of our kitchen covered with chocolate chip pancake batter, it’s hard to say which of these factors was at play. Probably some combination. I understand the temptation to leave the chocolate chips where they were so they could be admired later on may have been overwhelming. But for the sake of relationship harmony, these temptations must be resisted.

Encouraging Competence Without a Chore List

The good news is, you don’t have to accept weaponized incompetence and learn to live with it. The key to putting a stop to it lies in open communication. The bad news is, you probably won’t solve the issue in a single conversation. It may be an ongoing process. It has been in my household. There have been no more chocolate chip pancakes and many conversations that revolve around the need for more accountability. 

Here are some tips for getting the conversation going and keeping it going:

Communicate Without Blame

When you’re discussing a more fair division of labor, talk about it calmly, using “I” statements to express how you feel (“I feel drained when I’m the only one keeping track of things”) rather than accusations. Focus on how sharing this labor benefits both of you.

Create Visible Expectations

Writing down everything that needs to happen to keep everyone fed, wearing clean clothes, and where they need to be on time isn’t the same as a chore list because you aren’t going to be the enforcer of this list. This list is to allow him to see everything that is done in the home so he can understand what is being done every day, even if he’s not the one who does any of it. It’s a list that begs the reader, “Can you look at me and still live with yourself without shame?”

Share Responsibility, Not Just Tasks

Combatting weaponized incompetence isn’t just about splitting up chores; it’s about sharing ownership of the chores. For example, if he’s in charge of doing the dishes, that shouldn’t mean it’s time for you to remind him to do the dishes. He’s in charge of noticing when they need to be done and making sure they get done, without waiting for a prompt from you.

In my household, to improve the situation and prevent the next generation of man cleaning, I introduced a game called “What is wrong with this room?” I took my fiance and my two teenage sons on a tour of the living room, dining room, and kitchen as if they were seeing it through new eyes for the first time. I pointed out trash that needed to go out, dishes that needed to be done, surfaces that needed to be cleaned, and random items that needed to be put away. These are not invisible tasks that can only be seen by women. It’s just that a lot of men won’t see them unless they are taught to do so.

Don’t Forget to Celebrate Progress

While there may be no magical quick fixes to the problem of weaponized incompetence, your relationship and sanity may be worth the ongoing effort. It won’t be a perfect 50/50 split all the time. There may never truly be a day in his entire existence where it will occur to him to wipe a baseboard clean. He might not know they exist, even if they have pancake batter splattered on them by his own hand.

If your partner does step up and begin doing more of his fair share, it’s important to acknowledge it. He may have spent his whole life being cleaned up after by his mom or various exes. He may have been happily and obliviously wallowing in filth before you came along. If you’re reading this now, you are probably used to doing household labor without being praised for it each time. But keep in mind this may be his first experience with it. Just as it took him years to learn to be helpless, it may also take him years to unlearn it.

While it might feel counterintuitive to praise him for tasks you take care of invisibly and thanklessly every day, a little genuine positive reinforcement can go a long way in fostering a lasting habit of shared responsibility and appreciation.