You can’t escape your abuser when flying monkeys do his dirty work. But you don’t have to let them.

Months after our divorce, I supported my ex-husband and let him live on my couch while he got reestablished in the United States. He then moved around the corner and immediately made deliberate, avoidable choices that resulted in a psychotic break that he refused to do anything to get under control. I couldn’t take the multiple daily emails about the police helicopters and planes watching him anymore. It was giving me panic attacks at work.

I made a deliberate choice to not be involved this time. I knew whatever happened, despite all I had done to help him, I would be blamed for anything he did. So I washed my hands of the situation. 

My dad said, “No matter what, he is still your children’s father.”

I reiterated that even if that is the case, I am done. I’m not doing any more, I’m not telling his family what is going on or calling 911 so he can be put on a psychiatric hold. Anything that happens now is on my ex. My dad didn’t think it was morally right to not at least let his family know that he is spiraling again, so he made that call. And then the flying monkeys came for me. 

Flying monkeys often project the abuser’s perspective or their own perspective onto a person and situation they barely know, and they feel good and right and righteous about it. This is not an accident. Flying monkeys exist in abusive dynamics by design. And in this situation, my dad inadvertently became one, too.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

In the context of domestic violence and abusive relationships, “flying monkeys” refers to people who do the abuser’s bidding, whether they realize it or not. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sent flying monkeys to do her dirty work. Your ex might be deliberately dispatching their flying monkeys, or they might be choosing to do it on their own out of a misguided sense of loyalty. 

Flying monkeys might:

• Defend the abuser’s reputation and discredit the victim’s account of the abuse
• Monitor the victim’s social media or whereabouts on behalf of the abuser
• Deliver messages from the abuser when direct contact has been cut off
• Relay information about the victim back to the abuser
• Pressure the victim to reconcile with the abuser or give them “another chance”
• Make the victim feel guilty for leaving or setting boundaries

These people may genuinely believe they’re helping, having only heard the abuser’s version of events. The victim of the abuse might not have any idea what his version of events is, either. My ex-husband always swore to me that he was honest about his culpability in the situation, but I will never know what he was telling anyone else. The abuser often portrays themselves as the victim, making the flying monkeys think they’re supporting someone who’s been wronged.

This dynamic is why many survivors find they need to cut contact not just with their abuser, but with other people in their lives as well. Even after my ex had broken my heart as much as I thought he possibly could and he was gone and it was finally over, there were still ways to hurt me, thanks to those goddamn flying monkeys.

How People Become Flying Monkeys

No one wakes up in the morning and says, “Self, today you are going to help an abusive guy torment a traumatized woman who is trapped with him or trying to escape.” But it happens way too often. There are a variety of reasons people become flying monkeys, and they might not even realize they have been manipulated into doing it or that they are causing someone else harm. Here’s a rundown of some of the common reasons:

The abuser has tricked them.

The abuser tricked you when he pretended to be something he wasn’t to lock you down in the relationship in the first place. He can trick other people in the same way. Abusers can be charming and convincing to others, even if you’re standing next to him with a black eye. He’ll put on a false front for everyone else to see, just like he used to bother doing for you before he got comfortable enough to show his true colors.

They don’t understand abuse dynamics.

If someone hasn’t experienced or witnessed abuse, they might not get it or grasp how it works. They might be trying to apply “normal relationship” logic onto an abusive situation that is anything but normal. They might also not realize there are other types of abuse aside from physical, so they might not recognize emotional, financial, or psychological abuse. They may also buy into the “both sides are equally at fault” crap, which is not true in abusive relationship dynamics that are rooted in one partner’s need to control and dominate.

They are protecting their worldview.

Your flying monkeys might have deeply internalized ideas about gender stereotypes or victim-blaming attitudes, like believing the woman must have done something to provoke the man. They might not be able to accept that it happened because if it did, then they didn’t help. Having to honestly examine your own ideas, actions, inactions, and relationship to the abuser is too overwhelming for some people and definitely more difficult than just going along with groupthink and becoming part of a mob with pitchforks because there are “two sides to every story.”

They’re enablers of the abuser.

Your abuser’s flying monkeys might be people who have been enabling him their whole lives. That is certainly the case in my situation. No matter what my ex-husband does, it is always my fault. The flying monkeys never once expressed any anger to me about his behavior. Your flying monkeys may simply refuse to believe their loved one could be abusive, even if they’ve been watching him do it for decades. Even if they’ve watched him plead guilty to it under oath in court.

No matter how your particular flying monkeys came to be cast in that role, what’s important to keep in mind is the reason doesn’t matter. No matter why they are doing it, the effect on you is going to be the same: Through their denial, they’re allowing your abuser to continue to hurt you. 

Isolation Sets the Stage for Flying Monkeys

Abusers use isolation as a tactic because it works. They isolate their victims from friends, family, and support systems to remove witnesses to the abuse and ensure that they alone control the narrative. My ex kept me in a glass box. He hid everything from me and kept me from the flying monkeys and his friend group. I didn’t realize then that his obsession with me was a strategy. 

The longer your abuser can isolate, the longer he has to plant seeds in the flying monkeys’ minds about your instability, unreliability, or mental health issues. When people haven’t heard from you in months or years because your abuser gradually pushed them away from you, they may believe his reasons for why you’re no longer close or make up their own reasons. It’s easier to believe that I wouldn’t let him visit than it was to accept that he didn’t want to do anything but stay home where he could control me. 

This is why flying monkeys are so quick to accept abusers’ stories. His story is the only story they know. He may have spent years telling people you’re difficult, dramatic, or unstable while simultaneously preventing you from maintaining those relationships. When you need support the most, the flying monkeys have already been convinced that you are the problem.

How to Spot a Flying Monkey

Here are some concrete examples of how flying monkeys operate in real situations. If any of these characters sound familiar to you, you may just have a flying monkey infestation:

• Someone your abuser deliberately befriended to manipulate your situation who is now telling you “this doesn’t sound like him” or is otherwise defending him.
• A “neutral messenger” who has remained friends with both of you and is now sharing information about you with your abuser.
• Family members who are gossiping about you based on your abuser’s version of events.
• Anyone who creates fake social media accounts so they can get on your friend list to see what you’re doing and relay it back to your abuser. 
• Concerned family members who contact you to make you feel bad about the state of your abuser, like that he’s heartbroken, is sorry, isn’t eating, etc.
• A character witness who testifies on your abuser’s behalf in court.
• A former friend who tries to get on your abuser’s good side and win their approval by creating drama about you.
• A well-meaning coworker who gives your abuser information about your schedule.
• A father who contacts your ex’s family out of concern for your abuser even though you have expressly stated that you do not want any form of involvement.

The abuser often appears charming and reasonable to outsiders, making their story more believable than yours. In my case, it is certainly more plausible to believe that my ex is innocent of these crimes than it is to believe that he often abused me because he believed I was having sex with Pauly Shore. The key is recognizing that regardless of intent, anyone who violates your boundaries, becomes a part of abusing you by proxy, or pressures you to have contact with your abuser is functioning as a flying monkey.

How to Protect Yourself From Flying Monkeys

So now you know what flying monkeys are, but how do you keep them the hell away from you? Here are some practical strategies to protect yourself:

• Set firm boundaries: You don’t need to justify your decisions or actions or to discuss anything with anyone at all. 
• Lock down your digital presence: All of my flying monkeys are blocked on social media. Are yours? 
• Reduce or cut contact: You might have to distance yourself from mutual friends and family, at least temporarily. You might have to change your phone number, too.
• Limit information sharing: Try the “gray rock” method. I could have said a lot to the flying monkey. Instead, I said I wasn’t involved and left it at that.
• Document everything: Keep records of all communications from flying monkeys. Screenshot that shit before you block them. You might need it for legal reasons later.
• Build a support network: Surround yourself with people who live in the reality you live in. If they weren’t there, then they don’t know, so fuck ‘em.
• Don’t engage in defending yourself: Trying to defend yourself against flying monkeys just gives them more shit to fling at you.  
• Consider legal protections: If your flying monkeys are going too far for your comfort level, think about talking to someone about your legal options. 

You don’t have to give people the benefit of the doubt at the expense of your safety. If you aren’t sure whether or not someone is a flying monkey, you don’t have to talk to them. If you’re a victim of domestic violence, you are probably very good at reading moods and the energy in the room. Trust your own gut when it comes to who is and is not a safe person to have in your life.

You Can Only Control Your Own Reactions

I have never been able to control anything my ex-husband does, but I can control how I react to it. I can control whether or not to be involved, at least until my father doesn’t agree with my boundaries and decides to involve me. But then I can draw new boundaries. You can’t control your flying monkeys, but you can control your reactions toward them and their access to you.

My kids are watching what I do, and they are watching what he does. They know I helped all I could and had to stop trying when I did. But the flying monkeys can’t or won’t see it. They have their own narratives that are not based in reality. I can’t control that, either. I can control the block button on my phone though. So can you.