Recently, I watched a movie about a woman whose abusive ex buries her alive and then kidnaps their son, which put the son’s life in danger. Escaping and saving her child should have been the end of the movie, but it wasn’t. Instead, the filmmakers decided to throw in one last scene in which she was preparing to go on a blind date. Surviving wasn’t her hero story. Her happy ending was proving she was ready to date again. 

Is being able to trust a man again really the true test of moving on from domestic violence? If you’ve left an abusive relationship, this question may be weighing heavily on you. Especially if you’re considering dating or you’ve already started. 

If the thought of putting yourself out there again feels impossible—know this: What you’re feeling does not mean you’re broken, and you don’t have to rush into dating to prove that you’re over it. If you’re freaking-out, it’s just your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do. You survived something that required you to become hypervigilant, to override your own needs, and to analyze every micro-expression for signs of danger. Those survival skills kept you alive. 

You may now find yourself wondering if you should trust the instincts you developed while you were under attack or if your nervous system is sounding a false alarm. Can you trust men again? Can you trust yourself? Learning that you can leave at the first sign of discomfort—that you don’t owe anyone a second chance to prove they won’t hurt you—may be the key to truly being ready to move on with your love life.

How Do You Know If You’re Ready to Date?

It’s totally understandable that you may not be sure if you’re ready to date or ever will be after what you went through. You may be struggling with symptoms of trauma. You may have been isolated or alienated from friends and family. You may have been left homeless, financially ruined, or both. You may have even had your children used against you like weapons. And it might have taken you a long time to escape. After that, who wouldn’t be afraid to dive back into the dating pool, or even to dip their big toe in?

After one divorce from an abusive ex, I followed the “get under someone to get over someone” doctrine. I never even considered whether I was ready to date; I simply jumped right in. Instead of going to therapy, I went to a bar where I met and then dated many men, the last of whom I ended up in such a terrible two-year relationship with that it was only then that I questioned whether or not I had truly been ready. 

Twenty years later, I divorced another abusive husband, though we’d ceased being a romantic couple a few years earlier. After that relationship, I was not ready to welcome a new one with open arms. Instead, I flew to Eastern Europe and had a couple of brief flings with men who lived 6,650 miles away from me, which felt safe enough. I declined to get their numbers or see them a second time. After being told what an ugly, repulsive, smelly fuck pig I was for many years by my ex, I just wanted to get it over with so I could see if I could ever feel desirable again. 

After I flew back home to the United States, I did not feel the same way. I was a mess. Here, men could call me again, not call me again, stalk me, or I might even get in a new relationship only then to find out too late he was abusive. The men I dated might also be perfectly nice, and I might be too much of a wreck to be any good for them. Even if I chose a healthy, well-adjusted partner, I might not be one myself. I wouldn’t know until I tried, and the thought of that terrified me. I did not even attempt to date until a year had passed and I’d gone to trauma therapy.

There Is No Timeline

There isn’t any one-size-fits-all timeline for being ready to date again, and there’s no checklist that, once you’ve completed it, will make you certain that now is the time. However, there are some questions worth asking yourself before you take the plunge:

* Can you be alone without feeling desperate? If being alone seems worse than potential danger, you aren’t ready.

*Do you have a safe place and support system? If you don’t, you may end up dependent on your new partner, which could leave you trapped. Again. So that’s a no.

*Are you able to set and maintain boundaries—even small ones? If you aren’t sure that you can say no to things that make you uncomfortable, again, that’s a no.

*Can you tolerate discomfort in another person? If you are so worried that you’ll upset him that you’ll put your own needs aside, you are definitely not ready.

*Are you dating because you want to, or because you think you should? It’s okay to ignore anyone who is pressuring you to date, even if you need to ignore yourself.

In that movie where the woman was buried alive, her friend and her sister were practically pushing her out the door to go on that blind date. Wasn’t it enough that she dug herself out of the grave using nothing but a car key and mini-flashlight? No, she needed a boyfriend to prove her strength. There’s a lot of societal pressure to be in a couple, or at least to attempt to be in one. But you don’t need to prove you’re over your ex by dating, even if he’s flaunting a new love in your face. 

Hypervigilance: When Everything Feels Like a Threat

When you can’t stop looking around yourself for signs that you might be in danger, that’s hypervigilance. If you’re hypervigilant, it is going to affect dating. After domestic violence, your nervous system will naturally scan constantly for threats like changes in tone of voice, facial expression, and energy. Here’s what that can look like in dating:

*Analyzing every text message for hidden meaning

*Feeling on edge and unable to relax during dates

*Reading malice into neutral or even kind behavior

*Exhaustion from constant vigilance

*Feeling like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop

Here’s what you can do about it: 

*When you notice hypervigilance, use grounding techniques to bring yourself back to the present.

*Rely on safe people in your life to give you a reality-check about what you are feeling to get outside perspective from someone who is not traumatized.

*Look for signs that you’re safe and not in danger, like the fact that he asks questions, listens to answers, and doesn’t pressure you.

Hypervigilance may be exhausting, but it doesn’t mean that you’re wrong. So how do you know if you are being hypervigilant or just vigilant? 

Red Flags and Chimp Flags: Signs it’s Time to Go

Everyone talks about red flags in relationships, but how many times have you ignored them? 

In my book Leave Him in 12 Easy Years, I make the case that instead of relying on red flags as warning signs, we should instead rely on chimp flags. TV shows and movies like I Survived, Fatal Attractions, Chimp Crazy, and Nope have all made it more than clear that chimpanzees are dangerous, no matter how adorable they may seem at first. Red flags are too easy to ignore, so instead, when I see a man do something that makes it seem likely that he might eat my face at a later date, I picture a chimp flag. 

Not all chimp flags will look like what you experienced with your abuser. Abuse often starts with behaviors that seem benign or even romantic. Here are the warning signs that can tip you off to the fact that the man you are dating is really a chimp in human clothes:

Moving Too Fast (Love Bombing)

When I finally did get into a relationship after my divorce, I was understandably paranoid. After all, my new love was the same jerk I was in a relationship with after the previous divorce. He came on strong because he’d missed me, so he was excited to have a second chance with me after he’d gone to therapy and improved as a human being. I, however, was not so eager to believe any of it. Specifically, I was worried that I was being love-bombed. 

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic where someone overwhelms a target with excessive affection, attention, and gifts early in a relationship to gain control and create emotional dependency. Here are some signs that you are being loved-bombed:

*Constant flattery that seems too good to be true

*Early, intense declarations of love

*Wanting to immediately spend all of their time with you

*Talking about moving in together or marriage early on

*Making you feel like you’re soulmates before they really know you

Love bombing creates artificial intimacy and obligation before you’ve had time to assess whether or not a person is safe. It’s also a test to see whether or not you’ll go along with it. It might feel flattering and romantic, at first. But underneath, you might feel rushed, overwhelmed, or like things are going to fast for you. 

After the initial fast-and-furious approach my ex/new took in our rekindled relationship, we slowed it down and maintained a long-distance relationship that was more low-key for a year before we moved in together. Only then, during that period of lesser intensity, when we took the time to have the difficult conversations and put little pressure on each other to do anything other than being supportive while we continued to live our own lives, did I feel safe. Like it wasn’t all just some bullshit to get me into a vulnerable position again.

Isolation Disguised as Devotion

If you’re dating and he wants to spend all of his time with you and only you and seems to want you all to himself, is that really devotion, or is he trying to isolate you? Here’s what the early warning signs might look like:

*He wants all of your free time.

*He sulks or acts hurt when you make plans without him.

*He makes subtle digs about your friends and family.

*He causes drama so it will be difficult to see others.

Isolating you is meant to remove your support system and make you dependent on an abuser. At first, it might feel like you’re special or you’ve been chosen. But then, gradually, you may begin feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with others. Eventually, you may start to feel trapped. 

If you notice you’re seeing your friends and family less often and it’s not because you want to, beware the isolator. 

Control Framed as Care

Someone I know brought home a new boyfriend to meet me, and he immediately began telling me about how he was taking control of her healthcare. There were chimp flags waving all over the place. Why in the fuck was this guy she had just met trying to take control of her health? He ended up stalking and kidnapping her, so I was right to be concerned. But she just saw it as him caring about her. At least at first. 

These are some signs that his care is really control in disguise:

*Excessive check-ins

*Tracking your location

*Needing to know your schedule in detail

*Sharing opinions about what you wear, eat, spend, and do

If he’s trying to make your decisions for you and framing it as, “I just worry about you,” or, “I want what’s best for you,” watch out. Men who really care about you don’t need to show their concern by knowing your every move and trying to control everything you do.

Other Early Warning Signs

Here are some other signs that maybe you’re ready to date again, but you definitely should not be dating him:

*He says all of his exes were crazy.

*He treats people with less power or animals badly.

*He resists meeting anyone in your support system. 

*He is unable to handle his emotions.

*He blames others for how he feels.

*He disrespects your “no.”

The truth is, chimp flags are easier to spot than you think—once you stop making excuses for them. If something feels off, rushed, or controlling, trust that feeling. You don’t need to wait for undeniable proof that he’s dangerous; you just need to notice when someone is treating you like a target instead of a person. Your safety and autonomy aren’t negotiable, and if he truly cares about you, he will respect your boundaries, your pace, and your right to have a life beyond him. If the chimp flags are flying, it’s time to go, and preferably before the 12-year point.

What to Do When You Notice Chimp Flags

So you’re dating and you’ve seen the warning signs, and you’re ready to heed them. What do you do next? 

Whether it’s your first date or your twentieth, if something feels off, you don’t owe anyone a conversation about it. You don’t owe him a chance to explain or improve. In fact, you don’t owe him jack shit. This is especially true if you’re still early in a potential relationship. If you’ve gone on a date or two and you’re stressing-out, you can just stop seeing him. You don’t need evidence. You don’t need to build a case for not continuing to see him. And you definitely don’t need his permission to end it. 

If you’ve been seeing someone longer and you feel like you need to address the situation, name the specific behavior that’s bothering you, state your boundary, and then watch his response. If he gets defensive, shifts blame back onto you, doubles-down on the behavior, or gives you the silent treatment, cut him loose. Don’t give him time to see if he’s changed. The longer you stay, the more chances you’ll be giving him to do it again, or to get worse. 

Building Trust Again—With Men and With Yourself

When you’re thinking about dating again after domestic violence, the real question is not, “Will I ever be able to trust a man again?” It’s, “Can I trust myself to recognize danger and act on it?” The answer is yes, but it will take time. 

Trust yourself by moving at your own pace. 

When everyone is telling you to give him a chance but you don’t want to, trust yourself.

Trust yourself by honoring your discomfort.

Trust yourself by acting on your boundaries.

If you want to take it slower, trust yourself.

If you want to end things for any reason, trust yourself.

Trust yourself by forgiving your mistakes. 

You might miss a chimp flag sometimes. You might override your instincts. You might give him more chances than you should have. That is all part of learning. Keep in mind that you aren’t starting from zero; you’re starting from a dark place where your baseline of normal was shattered. It’ll take time to recalibrate yourself, so be patient

Dating after you’ve been abused is hard, and it’s harder than anyone who hasn’t lived it can understand. You’re allowed to be picky and to leave before it’s “bad enough.” You’re allowed to take years to decide you’re ready to date, or to not date at all. You’re allowed to date and then decide you don’t want to anymore. You’re also allowed to be happy and to let your guard down if you decide you feel it’s safe to do so. You got out of that shit, and you’re still alive to date at all. Only you get to dictate the terms of your love life, not your friends, family, or any guy you’re dating. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.